An EX resurfaces from the aches of the past to ask for money

My day started out with this international SMS text: “Can I get my money back? I’m super poor now! — KEDISON!!

It was nearly midnight for him there in Shenzhen and in the late morning, stateside.

I took a few hours to remember the moment he abandoned me in Hong Kong as my Chinese VISA had some issue with expiring just an hour previous to the entering the queue for re-entry.

I was completely alone there and the officers really made me leave the port of travel. I waited for hours for a taxi and I was finally dropped off at a place I could stay for a few hours of the night.

I didn’t see Kedison for weeks after that. I had wondered why he did that; to leave a boyfriend stranded in Hong Kong.

My answer to his text today was,”I tried to send but u blocked me everywhere, remember?”

I transferred 95 dollars to his Alipay account.

No, I don’t actually owe him anything. I just wanted to give him something since he seemed to be in such desperation to have to text me about it.

He yelled at me some more and then blocked me again.

This is the life that I should tell you more about.

Judas Goat: No Agenda Podcast ep. 917

NO AGENDA SHOW PODCAST

I am totally fanboying-out right now because Mr. Adam Curry and John C. Dvorak are discussing some information I had sent for their consideration and review about Shelly Harridan. I am so thrilled that they are discussing this topic because we are really in a swirling hellhole of fighting each other for our identities. I’ve been feeling for a few years now the really dizzying sensation of what we now call SJW’s and the endless policing of our discussions to conform to the rules of the politically correct trenders, etc.

Here’s a link to the episode if you aren’t already a listener (and also if you are!) Listen to the show because it’s the best podcast and most reliable news source in the universe. They have hour-long episodes twice a week.

Here is the discussion I transcribed:

No Agenda Episode 917 – “Judas Goat”

Adam Curry: This is Shelly Harridan–a YouTuber–and when I saw this clip and it’s under a minute so we’ll listen to the clip first–I realized something important that is going on here. Shelly identifies as a girl, is wearing a kind of a Swedish, like a, no–[actually more resembling] Pipi Longstockings [with] (although not red but blonde) long, blonde braids. I think Shelly’s gender may be female but I’m pretty sure her sex is male and this [clip] is about the safety pin movement. [plays clip]

It dawned on me what may be going on here. This is clearly a white young man and when you hear the Safety Pin Movement–people of color, trans, lesbian–everything but a white guy–I–there’s a distinct possibility that young white men are in schools feeling “crap I am the enemy, maybe I should, I dunno, be a girl.”

John C Dvorak: It’s funny that you say that because I was thinking something similar but I didn’t have anything that was well-thought of enough to bring up on the show. But yeah, we may be onto something.

Adam Curry: And kids are–

John C. Dvorak: The messaging is pretty straight forward. It’s like white–esp older btw which would include both of us.

Adam Curry: Yes.

Dvorak: Older white is really bad

Curry: Yeah So you only have bad things to look forward to cause you know you are going to grow older. And I’m not saying this is everybody’s case of course

Curry: But I think–I feel like the enemy (it doesn’t bother me) because I’m old enough I don’t care you can hate me all you want

Dvorak:{role-playing an elder with harsh voice} I don’t give a crap at my age! Screw ya!

Curry: /I’m learning from the best!

Curry: Uh, It certainly can’t help, you know, if you’re feeling suppressed.

Dvorak: Well I think it’s encouraged–I don’t think it’s an overly-defensive move. I think it’s actually pushed as an agenda that’s being pushed on people/ It’s Pavlovian. Every time they move in that direction a little more (for example) I’m going to wear a dress today, Oh! Well, that’s great! 

Curry: {laughing chuckle and sincere laugh snort}

Curry: No it’s not great. Tina was pretty offended by the way by the whole personfriend thing:

No way are you calling me a person friend.

Self-doubt is a demon

doubtSelf-doubt is a demon strangling all of us given the chance to feed on our life’s energy. When the time of self-realization is finally striking the bells of a change to begin again the war on the self-doubt demon has already started. Let’s seal this force away before he wins again.

I can provide additional clarity.

If ideas (any and all) are being dismissed by the negative voices in your imagination, then you might be crazy. Do you like being out of control and helpless? What source of internal strength is better to perceive than a sword of light to cut through the self-doubt demon?

If it’s not yet time to achieve this level of energy, then here is a method to consider. Understand why levels of discomfort are affected by external forces. Perhaps it’s the chains of expectations that have weighed down whatever dreams that have become cloudy at this time. It’s different for everyone the social or familial (relating to family) story that repeatedly plays in the mind when it’s time to eliminate self-doubt.

Something that worked in my situation was hypnotherapy, sensory-deprivation tank “floating” for as long as possible, LISTENING to podcasts of shows that I like, letting go of the power of influence of people with intentions to hold me down, self-talk in the mirror (you are strong, you are beautiful, you can do this), lighting candles and watching as many documentaries about struggling with substance abuse such as the show Intervention from A&E. It’s not necessary to do any of these things because they may not work for everyone. I’m simply laying out some ideas that can rev-up your engines to start churning out on a piece of paper what could and will work for you.

Stop calculating the reasons why anything or sometimes why everything won’t work. I don’t care how difficult this process will be for you because I know you can do this. Stop it. Change it. Reverse it.

Control your energy and manage it into a significant force of self-improvement. Some people say, “Rise Above.”